shitona stick
Provincetown 4th of July - The Gayest Place on Earth
13/07/2000
It was a great day to be headed away from NY. Not too hot, a nice breeze, light traffic. Even more perfect was the fact that we were driving our new Honda S2000 Sportster with the top down. We just knew that those queens in P-town would love the car. Well, half way to RI on 95 traffic stopped dead. Of course, Brian and I didn't mind because it just gave us time to look cool in our car. Traffic would start moving again and as we got to the point were traffic started flowing I quickly looked for the signs of a traffic accident or flat....anything that would have caused the traffic jam. But nothing. No good reason for the slower-than-a-snail's pace. I hate that. Naturally it would happen about six more times on they way there. After a six-hour trip, we made it to P-town and found our guest house. We were the first to arrive so we had to go get they keys from the reservation office. We decided to drive. Had to show off the car. Continuing onto Commercial (the "busy" street in P-town) we encountered what had to be the gayest place on earth. Men. Men everywhere. Shirtless men, men with piercings in odd places, men groping eachother....MEN. I suddenly got a tightness in my stomach. I mean, there is such a thing as overkill. That knot in my belly was soon released in a frightened gasp as I realized I was about to run down a drag queen dressed as Cher on a moped. I slammed on the breaks, she yelled "asshole" at me, and then commented, "Nice car!". Kind of a double edged sword in that compliment. But I took it. After all, it was Cher. As we drove down the street, further and further into this gaydom I realized the car would actually work against me. Brian jumped out and went into the reservation office and I continued down the street. Slowly. Slowly because pedestrians have the right of way and slowly because you never know when you're gonna hit a drag queen. As a crawled along men turned and saw the car. And then saw the unattended passenger seat. I knew what they were thinking. I cranked up our car CD mix which was playing some Ozzy at the time. I thought it might deter them from gawking since there was no dance beat or vocoder.....but again, no. Some queen grabbed the door and jumped in. "What's YOUR name?" AHHHHHHHHH! Help! I tried to laugh it off, but it rang false, so I just said" OUT!" "You don't have to be so bitchy! You are no fun! Nice car though." I realized that the car and my attitude were not going to be perceived the same way. At that moment, Brian saw me and got in the car, shouting "Back, back you animals" as he got in. We never seem to fit in in gay circles. I remember at Mardis Gras in New Orleans two years ago a drag queen in pink chiffon almost got tossed off a balcony because she wouldn't stop fondling us. Brian just about launched her.......anyway....... Our guest house was roomy with a grill and washer/dryer! We napped, got in contact with some of the others we knew on the trip and decided to meet at "Pied" for the after-tea dance. Now, apparently for circuit parties there is some sort of order to the club events. Tea (which is usually K, GHB, X or Crystal in lieu of anything herbal) at the BoatSlip, After Tea at Pied and then After After Tea at the Crown and Anchor. So we meet up on the streets with our friends and their friends and walk over to Pied. After paying 40 bucks for both of us we walked in the door. And that's as far as we got. It was packed. Tight shirtless bodies packed up like sardines. Music, a remix of Sting's "Desert Rose" pounding. At that moment some guy who must shave his chest brushed up against me and gave my arm stubble burn. We managed to get to the bar, order a beer, and leave. 10 Minutes, Done. That would be the club experience for us. We spent the next days doing more quiet activities. The beach, shopping, etc. Saw the Pilgrim Monument which is there because the Pilgrims landed first in Provincetown. They decided it was unsuitable (probably because someone saw a native american cross dresser) and moved on to Plymouth. The monument is the largest and tallest free standing granite structure in the world. And a bitch to climb. Took in a show by the lesbian comic Leah Delaria who dropped the stand up from her routine and instead sang jazz tunes backed by her lesbian orchestra. Bruce Villanche, the "almost famous" writer of the Emmys and multiple other award shows as well as Bette Midler, Cher, the Osmonds, etc. did his one man show, which was hilarious. He now resides in LA in a Hollywood Square. He's the one who looks like a big fat muppet........Took in the "Perfect Storm" which the locals enjoyed. Some big Mary said he was only there to see if Marky Mark dropped his pants. He doesn't. Perhaps some of the most interesting conversations took place at our house. Our housemates were two boys, Alex and Adam. They met in Rehab. You know this is a relationship that will last.....anyway, Alex still uses. HEAVILY. He has no lining in his nose. Bad drug use. His boyfriend, Adam wants a healthy/stable/drug free life. So there is your conflict. And the hilarity ensued. Adam would talk to Brian and I because he thought we represented all the wonderful possibilities of a gay relationship. Commitment, trust, yadda yadda yadda. It was nice to be looked at as a positive role model, but the things he was praising us about were also what made us pariahs in P-town. Interesting. One of the funniest moments occurred when Adam was releasing some steam about Tommy to my and Brian's willing ears when we heard this statement; "Alex says I am co-dependent. I am not co-dependent. At least my therapist says I'm not." How do you keep from laughing out loud at such a Woody Allenesque statement? We both managed to be supportive despite this humorous sentence. One night we were introduced to some of our friends' friends. One of them, named Chad, looked sooo familiar to me. I knew that I had seen him before and somehow I convinced myself that I had grown up with him in my hometown of Midland, Texas. So, I start talking to him. I tell him he looks familiar and he says "Yeah, I do. There's a reason for that." Well, I'm convinced that he is about to reveal himself as my childhood playmate or something. He then says, "You know me from TV. I was on "Our House" and played the son on "Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman." Jane Seymour would make anyone gay I guess. Everyone else's drama and tears over finding happiness got to us I guess because we ended up on our last day in a jewelry store picking out rings. We have been together for a year and a half and both consider eachother "the one" but hadn't yet bought rings. I guess we decided the important part was our feeling of mutual trust and respect and thus, love for eachother and not rings. But hey, it's still nice to look down and see a symbol of your love. Plus, seeing how incredible things are when two people come together for one common good made us feel incredibly lucky to have one another. So we got really nice, simple yet elegant platinum rings from two nice lesbian jewelers. They made us have our picture made against their "Kommitment Kimono" backdrop and our picture is now on the wall at Ruby's in Provincetown. That ended my trip and experience in P-town, the Gayest Place on Earth - GWCIV
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