shitona stick
A classic e-mail from one of Doug's cousins
04/06/1999
Hi D, Last night I had a very graphic sex dream about me and Martin Sheen. New Martin Sheen, not Martin Sheen a la Badlands or Apocalypse Now, but Martin Sheen in American President. Very detailed. I woke up and thought it was real. Now I am going to be creeped out all day. And to make things worse, mom just called and said we can't see grandma and poppa later for dinner because poppa is constipated and grandma needs to give him a fleet enema. Now why did I need to hear that in the same sentence as dinner? And why does she feel the need to give that as her excuse? Whatever happened to I have to wash my hair or I am just not feeling well? When did anal references become common place in turning down invitations? What is wrong with our family? You are excluded as you are not blood related to that side but for the love of god people!!!!! You know that not one person on the green side of the family has responded to my emails concerning grandma's party. I am stuck doing the whole goddamn thing with Angela and mom paying for it. Andrea at least lives on the other side of the country and has given me suggestions, but the greedy green bastards just want to come to the Biltmore and eat and take credit for everything. I know I sound bitter, but why is it that me, the one who hates them the most, winds up kissing their fat constipated asses all the time? Please tell me? I have to go or I am going to puke all over the family photo sitting on my desk. By the way, look forward to seeing you all soon....and don't piss me off! Lol - Xoxoxoxoxo - K.
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