shitona stick
The reviews are listed in reverse chronological order and there's an approximate point when the video is released. To search for a specific movie, use ctrl-f.
Updated Sunday 5/4
THE QUIET AMERICAN
quiet? apparently not....
**1/2
THE PIANIST
the bosendorfer of all holocaust films
****
LAUREL CANYON
toto, i have a feeling we're not in fargo anymore....
MAID IN MANHATTAN
go back to the bronx
1/2
GANGS OF NEW YORK
pre-gulliani new york city
**
CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND
A: jaye p. morgan and george h. w. bush Q: who are former colleagues of chuck barris?
ABOUT SCHMIDT
warren schmidt's excellent adventure
***1/2
SUNSHINE STATE
no need for a recount
***
ROAD TO PERDITION
a leprechaun in sopranos clothing is still a leprechaun
ONE HOUR PHOTO
where's the shower scene?
DANGEROUS LIVES OF ALTAR BOYS
in the name of the father the son and captain asskicker
BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE
charleton heston in a role you'll never forget (unfortunately, he already has)
THE PIANO TEACHER
whispers and shouts
FAR FROM HEAVEN
ozzie and harriet clean out their closet
HOME MOVIE
what ever happened to a two-car garage and a white picket fence?
ALI
BET presents: nipsy russell goes the distance (choreographed by paul abdul)
*1/2
MONSTERS INC.
monsters in charge of a large energy company?
KISSING JESSICA STEIN
guess what? she ends up with the guy.....
UNFAITHFUL
the moral of the story? a) never give your lover a gift that your husband gave you b) never do vodka shots while visiting your wife's lover c) never trust a frenchman d) all of the above
SPIDERMAN
cross town in rush hour without getting tangled.... (can i use my metrocard?)
and you thought michael jordan invented the vertical...... remember, it's all about looking good.
he must have asked clark griswold for directions
a tease in period piece clothing is still a tease
no need for xanax
* (for the black tank top only)
one hairy woman one ape man one faux french assistant one highly educated midget one latina electrolysis expert and one anal retentive psychologist
y tu novia y la esposa de tu primo y cualquier cosa que respira
slam meets oz
TRAINING DAY
first day of school at the rodney king school of police etiquette
STORYTELLING
reality tv meets the silver screen
all you need is love..... and a really expensive lawyer
A WALK TO REMEMBER
wasn't this an abc after school special with kristy mcnichol?
BLACKHAWK DOWN
one very long day
GOSFORD PARK
professor plum in the billiard room with the candlestick
THE SHIPPING NEWS
exclusive: film about nothing goes nowhere; moviegoers irrate
*
A BEAUTIFUL MIND
mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true (lord russell bertrand)
VANILLA SKY
he slept with his friend he fell in love with another woman his friend got really jealous there was a car crash things got all mixed up then bobby ewing stepped out of the shower
IN THE BEDROOM
grief pain revenge. nothing sweet here.
MONSTER'S BALL
he likes his coffee black and his ice cream chocolate
DON'T SAY A WORD
i won't.
Most films below this line are available on DVD or VHS
THE PLANET OF THE APES
it's 2079 and the world still isn't ready for interspecies dating
i have a dream.....
AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS
junk it.
THE LUZHIN DEFENCE
bobby fischer meets amadeus
MOULIN ROUGE
mtv presents: one bad absinthe trip
LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER
36 28 34
THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY
until death (or recreational drugs) do us part
THE GIRL
missing: the point
AMORES PERROS
see spot. see spot kill.
SHREK
it's not easy being green
SOUS LE SABLE (UNDER THE SAND)
what? no french translation for the buddy system?
ANGEL EYES
d-mu's eyes had a hard time staying open.....
BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY
rule #1: never shag your boss rule #2: never trust a wanker
SERIES 7: THE CONTENDERS
survivor meets reservoir dogs
HEARTBREAKERS
this apple barely fell from the tree..... must have been somthing in the breast milk
BLOW
george dealt drugs george got caught george went to jail go to #1
MEMENTO
movie this see i did?
15 MINUTES
felt like 15 hours.......
POLLACK
no use crying over spilt paint
* 1/2 THE GIFT
if they had just called dionne warwick none of this would have happened
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
the ultimate mao zhandou
BEFORE NIGHT FALLS
my dream come true: johnny depp in a dress
BILLY ELLIOT
the wanker sure can dance (and he's no puff)
NOT-SO-PITHY MOVIE REVIEW by Ken
THE HURRICANE (2000) Starring Denzel Washington My Rating: ** (out of 10 *s) Gee, I didn't know that Hurricane Carter and Malcolm X were the same person!
...Well, when left in the hands of the one-note Denzel Washington, they sure are. An angry Denzel is sort of impressive (at moments), but it's deja vu time, kids. The only thing that changed is the shape of his facial hair.
I thought I loved Spike's Malcolm X, but I gotta go re-watch my tape of it just to make sure after seeing this groaner by Norman Jewison. This pic stunk like a plate of fish left under the couch in August. Its hilarious simplicity is merely peppered with interesting moments.
Did anyone READ THE SCRIPT before signing on to this stinker?
This is a TV-movie-quality schmaltzy biopic. Chalk this up as a really bad version of "Coal Miner's Daughter" or maybe a Junior High production of "The Shawshank Redmption." Alternatively, you could use it to introduce justice issues to a 9th-grade civics class. Beyond that, its simplistic, pedantic tone is an insult to the viewer. I'm so glad I didn't go to the theater to watch this trash...I caught it on Cable one night.
I howled in fits of laughter as one idiotic scene followed another, culminating in the hilarious courtroom scene. The kid was particularly annoying, as was the weirdo squad of Canadian do-gooders.
I'm not unimpressed by Carter's wrenching story...it's the moronic way in which the story was told that makes me feel that this was a waste. This was their chance to make a GREAT big-budget picture about an important story. As it was done, it's crap -- and they'll not get the chance again soon.
It seems that Carter is an interesting character of some strength, but I say throw him back in the slammer (along with Jewison and Washington) for letting them make such a lousy pic about him.
That's the real crime.
(I'm in the minority opinion on this one. Amazon viewers gave "The Hurricane" an average of 4 out of 5 stars. Guess what? As Ron would say, they're a bunch of fuckin' idiots.)
HANNIBAL
tv food network presents: hot off the victim with hannibal lecter
CAST AWAY
where's brooke shields when you need her?
HOUSE OF MIRTH
oh to be a member of the working class what a drag
RELIABLY PITHY MOVIE REVIEWS by UNGIE, standing in for DENISE
SIGNS & WONDERS Didn't see it.
JOURNEY TO THE SUN Thought it would be a sci-fi but it's about a boy from Turkey and a Kurdish rebel's journey to the Iraqi border. Not going to see it
HANNIBAL Whatever
SAVING SILVERMAN Looks stupid and I usually like stupid movies. Waiting for the DVD
BACK TO DENISE
CHOCOLAT
no even everlasting gobstoppers could save this one
SNATCH
djhne akjs ajhja dal udewnd ksjdjde ds ijo dkncur
UNGIE'S REVIEW
SNATCH Was excited to go. Hey, it's a bunch of guys!?! I've been robbed!!! Actually, it's about a robbery. What the hell is Brad Pitt saying. Excellent flick, Brad too. Thanks Marty. Denise, are we on a four or 5 star scale? What the hell! *****
ALL THE PRETTY HORSES
the marlboro man meets the three amigos
SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE
i knew there was something peculiar about that willem defoe
REQUIEM FOR A DREAM
i think i'll stick to weight watchers
MISS CONGENIALITY
shaggy always new that velma was one hot ticket
TRAFFIC
the drug war. what is it good for? absolutely nothing.
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME
it doesn't get any sweeter than this
THE FAMILY MAN
ebenezer scrooge never got to see tea leoni in the shower
STATE AND MAIN
hollywood = bad smalltownusa = good haven't we seen this before?
VERTICAL LIMIT
limit (lim' it) n : something that is exasperating or intolerable.
GLADIATOR
i don't think we're in kansas anymore, maximus
O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?
tell me, o coen brothers, of that ingenious con man who travelled far and wide after he had sprung from the joint.
BOUNCE
go see the trailer - it's shorter (by about 10 minutes)
BEST IN SHOW
the lhasa apso thinks he's the rightful winner but the shiba inu wants a recount of the swimsuit competition votes. it's still too close to call
BAGGER VANCE
da white bo done did los his swing and his gurl. tank gawd fo da black bo cuz he done did hep him fine his swing and his gurl. ohtay.
THE CONTENDER i did not have sexual relations with that fraternity.
BRING IT ON
two four six eight who do you appreciate? me (for warning you....)
THE NUTTY PROFESSOR II - THE KLUMPS
fart. isn't that hysterical?
zero stars
DANCER IN THE DARK
nothing horrible ever happens in musicals
THE EYES OF TAMMY FAY
"when life hands you a bunch of lemons it's time to make lemonade" tf
DUETS
you call this a karaoke flick? nobody sang bohemian rhapsody.
These were Denises first reviews for the PLANNER published on 7/13/2000 with Ken's intro.
KEN - Although I haven't seen Denise since my college days (she's a classmate's little sister), I've enjoyed her intelligent, pithy reviews since the dawn of email. Denise makes every word count; what a relief compared to some of us, huh? Enjoy.
THE PERFECT STORM
titanic with bushy beards and bad boston accents
SMALL TIME CROOKS
it's obvious that ray winkler attended the virgil starkwell school of criminology
CHICKEN RUN
dreamworks pictures presents: (in association with colonel sanders' chick flicks) THE GREAT FOWL ESCAPE
